And now it's time for some non-commercial radio!

[To be read in its entirety in an extremely pleasant and soothing voice]

First we have this morning's traffic update. Bob?

Thanks Bill we have an "injury accident" on 666 southbound just north of the east expressway west exit, a family's heads were chopped off, the heads are currently blocking three lanes leaving only eleven lanes open so you may want to want to look for another route to work today.

Thanks Bob. Bob's report was underwritten by Status Uptake Vehicles: Get your social position in gear today with an overly tall station wagon so you can look down your stuffy nose at all those cheap little cars surrounding you in traffic.

Today on MoneyPlot we'll be telling you how to sit on your butt and make oodles of free money that comes out of nowhere. But remember, we're telling everyone else the same thing, so you'd better use up even more of your life than they do listening and reading and calculating so you can be even more clever than them at shifting around your precious money.

That MoneyPlot announcement was underwritten by Mean Santa. Mean Santa has lots of surprises in store --- for everyone!

And now the news. As the war continues in the "Middle East", various officials offered an excruciatingly balanced critique of each side's offenses today. Even though one side is an impoverished group of people crowded onto an ever shrinking portion of their land, while the other is a major military power that receives around $400,000 of U.S. taxpayer money each hour. But we won't bias the news by mentioning that obscure tidbit.

The news was brought to you by Arncha Buyin' the Muddle. At ABM, we control the price of your food. And you can't do a fuckin' thing about it.

And now it's Car Hype. Har har har har har har har. Dear Cluckin' Crap: I spent most of a year's slave wages on a huge machine that weighs twenty times what I do to carry me to work each day to make money to pay for the stupid thing. But it keeps stopping halfway there, just after making an odd noise like "har har har". I had it towed to one of those smelly greasy places and they said it was the maxillary anterior cortex and that my Health Manipulation Organization won't pay for it. They said that it probably has only a few months to live anyway. So I'd like a second opinion. --- Clueless

Dear Clueless: Har har har har har har har. We don't have a clue either. Har har har har har har har. My brother's maxillary anterior cortex only has a few months to live too, though. Har har har har har har har.

Some of today's programming was selflessly paid for by Planet Plunder Incorporated. Planet Plunder --- providing the Joneses with more things for you to keep up with. ... That underwriting announcement was underwritten by GlobalGobble Corporation. GlobalGobble --- Why not save some time and just give the rest of your money to us now? ... And THAT underwriting announcement was brought to you by [insert gunshot sound effect here]. And that sound effect was underwritten by [insert loud explosion here].

More Random Cruft from Ken