This and That

I don't have much to say about that, but I can say this about this: I like this. This is right here; I can reach out and touch this. That, on the other hand, is over there somewhere. I always have to go looking for that, and in the process often lose this as well. So I'm going to be content with this and forget about that.

The world's worst limericks are mine.
They come out wrong every time.
   Whenever I think
   That one might not stink
I end up with way too much stuff left over to say on the last line.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish, and he gets arrested for trespassing at the polluted river.

Why is it that tasty is good but smelly is bad?

I'm surprised that I get any mental rest while dreaming, because I constantly struggle to make sense out of people's behavior, to determine how to respond. In other words: just like real life, except even worse.

Easter: The day our lord and savior rose from the dead as a giant pink bunny rabbit, so that everyone who finds at least three painted chicken eggs can go to heaven.

Usually when I'm enjoying myself more than usual, I'm not really aware of that fact until it's over, and then it's too late to enjoy it.

Observing myself as objectively as I can, I would have to say that my primary function in life is turning fresh food into shit.

There was something growing on my nose, so I went to my ear, nose, and banana doctor. I said, "Doc, there's somethin' growin' on my nose!" He said, "Never mind your nose -- what's that thing on your banana?" I said, "Looks like a wiggly-hoo." He said, "You're gonna have to speak up -- I've got a banana in my wiggly-hoo."

Rich, powerful people remain that way only as long as lots of other people keep agreeing to do their work for them and to protect them. Wealth and power are fragile.

A few tips for less annoying writing: The word "just" can usually just be left out. Minimizing the use of adverbs is very, very, very important. And understatement is absolutely always way more effective then exaggeration.

I think it's important to set realistic goals in life, so I've decided I'm going to be the world's first giant astronaut pope. I've got my plan all worked out: First, I'll get really, really big. Then I'll apply for any astronaut positions that come along until I get one, and then I'll look into what you have to do to be the pope.

I think the reason I don't like adventure-type computer games is that they remind me too much of dating. "If you can discover the seven secret hoops and jump through them in the correct order, then you can win some affection. Mmmmmmmaybe ..."

Terse aphorisms are never true.

The main difference between extraverts and introverts is that extraverts believe that introverts should be extraverts.

To understand Google News, you need to know the translations of the topic titles. For example, "Science" news means "outer space" plus a few dinosaur stories sprinkled in. Either far away or long ago. Any science about the here and now where we live is too controversial. "Technology" means tech toys and "Entertainment" means celebrities. While ranting about popular (corporate) culture, I'm amazed at how ubiquitous 1970s music still is in public places like stores. Recently I was treated once again to the BTO song "Taking Care of Business", where mi, re, and do are nearly the only notes in the entire melody, yet there's still no escape from it after 50 years. Will people in 3697 still be subjected to this song? I will stop now.

A conservative is a liberal who hasn't been abused by the police yet.

My conscious mind is the activity in my brain that is watching what the rest of my brain and body just did. And it's believing that it controls that, though it's really only watching the movie of my life.

Any baboon could draw eagle feathers, given he isn't just kidding. Loud music never opens pumpkins quite right, so team up victoriously with xenophobic yodeling zebras.

No matter had badly we wreck the climate, humans will remain driven to use as much energy as possible. Our purpose in life is to increase entropy, thereby fulfilling the prophecy of The Second Law of Thermodynamics. We like to believe in free will, yet we never demonstrate it.

The crux of the problem: Everybody wants to be seen as a normal person rather than a weirdo or a loser. But if we continue living the way that has come to be seen as normal, then we are doomed.

I have read through the list of all non-existing things, and I wasn't on it. Therefore I am.

Those Blue Angels airplanes are so cute! The way they twirl around like little ballerinas. They'd be more fun, though, if they sprinkled cluster bombs everywhere, like in real life.

In elections, I can never decide whether to vote for the person who has the most yard signs, or the person who sends me the biggest card in the mail. I mean, if the card is at least a full square foot, then surely they deserve my vote. But if they don't have many yard signs, then they must be a loser.

The most persecuted people today are surely dead people. Think about it: We lock them up underground - indefinitely - in boxes so small they barely have room to roll over. And then, to add insult to injury, we don't even include them in our statistics: We say there are 340 million "people" in the USA, but that's just the LIVING people! What about all the fine dead people who worked their entire lives to get where they are today? It's hard enough to be struggling with death without that kind of disrespect. Dead people are people too!

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses a lot more memory. So words are useful for preserving more information in a computer or a brain.

I don't really care what my final words will be, as long as it's not "Oops".

Yet another sign that we are living in the end times: Isaiah prophesized mountaintop removal coal mining and paving the planet! "Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4, New International Version)

It is my fervent hope that the people who write most of the reader responses to news articles on the web are not representative of the human species. (I suspect either they have too much free time or they're being paid.)

Big talkers are rarely big doers.

The other day I was walking down the street, when suddenly there was a big pulng right in the middle of the sidewalk. I said, "What's that pulng doing there?" I didn't expect to see a pulng on the sidewalk.

If I ever visit the Vatican, I think I'll go around to all of the restrooms in the hope of spotting some pope poop. I need to know: Is it REALLY purple?

Will Rogers said [something like] too many people spend money they don't have to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like. This may sound a bit arrogant, but to me it's not worth spending time, money, or effort just to possibly momentarily impress some fickle human organisms.

Squat down and don't squirm. If the square starts to squiggle, squeeze it. If it squirts, squash it.

I would have a lot more spare time if I could convince the creature that wakes up in my body each day to get out of bed.

Lum Lum a-Lummy Loo
Lum a-Lummy Loo Loo
Lum Lum a-Lummy Loo
Lum a-Lummy Loo

The previous item is similar to chanting Hare Krishna, except it's Lummy Loo.

My rule of thumb on noise pollution: If a particular noise is associated with petroleum in some way, then it is officially allowed to be at least twice as loud as any other noise. For example, if I played my music as loud as the lawn mower next door, I expect I would be hauled away promptly.

My general rule of thumb: Watch what everybody else is doing, then do the other thing. (Our built-in inclination to run if everyone else is running, because they are likely fleeing a lion, is no longer a good idea in our modern society where people are suckering us at every opportunity.)

If a robber robs, and a bobber bobs, then why is it that a slob slobbers?

In heaven there are no breasts
There's only essay tests
And when we've failed the tests
We'll sing a long long hymn that has no rests

People who gain private riches by patenting large parts of the global food supply will discover themselves in the deepest lake of fire.

Most things are not worth the bother.

Last week I perceived what seemed like a clear pattern, though I made that judgement from only two examples of the pattern. Then yesterday I did it again. I must always do that. Wait, I think I've used that joke before. I'm just like my mother who re-recites her stories as if she's telling them for the first time. I guess everyone does that.

I'm reading a big book about inconsistencies in the English language. It's tough to plough through it, though. Cough.

I drink alcohol, but only on special occasions. For example, if I make it through another entire day without being eaten, then it's time to celebrate! (Many organisms are eaten each day. So if I'm not one of them, then I feel fortunate.)

I believe that identical twins should be given the same name.

You can't get away with anything forever by dropping lots of bombs.

More About Ken

Ken is a dynamic figure whose hobbies include lava surfing, earthquake straddling, and asteroid lassoing. And extreme golf.
Ken enjoys placing the ova and ovaries of plants deep inside his body.
Ken is a very reliable person, usually.
Ken's favorite letter is B and his least favorite letter is T. (B is big and bouncy and begins bundles of beautiful words like blueberries, basketball, bikes, butts, and burps. Whereas T is too pointy. It sounds pointy when you say it, and it looks pointy --- the whole thing being just three or four points sticking out in every direction, and standing on a single point --- likely to topple over any time now!)
Ken's favorite color is purple and his least favorite color is magenta, even though they're both between red and blue.
Ken's berumpula curves to the left.
Ken cannot snap his fingers or blow bubbles.
Ken likes to walk up to strangers and say "Can I eat your brain?"
Ken enjoys inventing new cuss words, such as "prang" and "shnurp".
Ken enjoys taking dead people to parties.

More Random Cruft from Ken