This and That

I don't have much to say about that, but let me say this about this: I like this. This is right here; I can reach right out and touch this. That, on the other hand, is over there somewhere. I always have to go looking for that, and in the process often lose this as well. So I'm going to be content with this and just forget about that.

The very worst limericks are mine.
They come out wrong every time.
   Whenever I think
   That one might not stink
I end up with way too much stuff left over to say on the last line.

I have read through the list of all non-existing things, and I wasn't on there. Therefore I am.

Squat down and don't squirm. If the square starts to squiggle, squeeze it. If it squirts, squash it.

Yes, now you can have it all! So if you don't, then you're a loser ...

One year when I was in junior high school, there was a popular ritual where if you were a male student and you wanted to assert your dominance over another male student, you would approach that individual and say, for example, "Hey Cheetham --- Gum me!", where "Gum me" was understood to be a demand for a submissive act of oral sex, though this was intended to be taken rhetorically only. This went on for a number of weeks, until one day someone devised the clever retort "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?". This response caught on rather quickly, and for approximately the next two days all one heard was "Hey Smith --- Gum me." "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Hey Jones --- Gum me." "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" And then - suddenly - no one said "Gum me" ever again.

Easter: The day our lord and savior rose from the dead as a giant pink bunny rabbit, so that everyone who finds at least three painted eggs can go to heaven.

Last week I perceived what seemed like a clear pattern, though making that judgement from only two examples of the pattern. Then yesterday I did it again. I must always do that. Wait, I think I've used that joke before. I'm just like my mother who re-recites her stories as if she's telling them for the first time. I guess everyone does that.

Usually when I'm enjoying myself more than usual, I'm not really aware of that fact until it's over, and then it's too late to enjoy it.

I think it's important to set realistic goals in life, and that's why I've decided I'm going to be the world's first giant astronaut pope. I've got my plan all worked out: First, I'll get really, really big. Then I'll apply for any astronaut positions that come along until I get one, and then I'll start looking into what you have to do to be the pope.

Observing myself as objectively as I can, I would have to say that my primary function in life is turning fresh food into shit.

Oil and gas pipelines are like drinking straws through which wealthy nations are sucking the wealth out of other nations where most people live in poverty. It's only natural for them to cut the straws.

There was something growing on my nose, so I went to my ear, nose, and banana doctor. I said, "Doc, there's somethin' growin' on my nose!" He said, "Never mind your nose -- what's that thing on your banana?" I said, "Looks like a wiggly-hoo." He said, "You're gonna have to speak up -- I've got a banana in my wiggly-hoo."

I think the reason I don't like adventure-type computer games is that they remind me too much of dating. "If you can discover the seven magic hoops and jump through them in the correct order, then you can win some affection. Mmmmmmmaybe ..."

The main difference between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts believe that introverts should be extroverts.

I like to wait until I've defecated before I take my morning shower, because then I begin my day with a squeaky clean anus.

The most persecuted people today are surely dead people. Think about it: We lock them up underground - indefinitely - in boxes so small they barely have room to roll over. And then, to add insult to injury, we don't even include them in our statistics. We say there are 300 million "people" in the USA, but that number includes only the LIVING people! What about all the fine dead people who worked their entire lives to get where they are today? It's hard enough to be struggling with death without dealing with such basic disrespect. Dead people are people too!

I don't really care what my final words will be, as long as it's not "Oops".

We need a new standard official word for "penis". "Penis" sounds like some sort of eerie shriveled alien. "So, babe - waddaya think of my PEEEEnis?" That doesn't really work. I suppose I could use one of the other words, though I hesitate to claim that I personally have a "COCK". Some guys may have a COCK, but I've got a PEEEEnis. And the other common term, "dick", sounds like something you don't really want to have around. "What is that thing, a dick?! Hey, who left a dick in here? Get that dick outta here!" So I like the friendly word "dong", even though it's not used much. Nothin' wrong with my dong. I've got a fun dong. Let's all start saying "dong" at least three times a day and see if we can revive that pleasant word.

If a robber robs, and a bobber bobs, then why is it that a slob slobbers?

I drink alcohol, but only on special occasions. For example, if I make it through another entire day without being eaten, well then it's time to celebrate!

I believe identical twins should be given the same name.

More About Ken

Ken is a dynamic figure whose hobbies include lava surfing, earthquake straddling, and uphill swimming.
Ken has 30% more genes than a worm.
Ken enjoys placing the ovaries and ova of plants into his body.
Ken's favorite letter is B and his least favorite letter is T.
Ken's favorite color is purple and his least favorite color is magenta, even though they're both between red and blue.
Ken has a hoonga loonga loo and a moofa noofa noo.
Ken cannot snap his fingers or blow bubbles.
Ken is a very reliable person, usually.
Ken is a flarn bird.
Ken enjoys creating new cuss words, such as "nurp" and "prang".
Ken enjoys taking dead people to parties.

I would have a lot more spare time if I could convince the creature that wakes up in my body each day to get out of bed.

More Random Cruft from Ken