This and That

I don't have much to say about that, but let me say this about this: I like this. This is right here; I can reach right out and touch this. That, on the other hand, is over there somewhere. I always have to go looking for that, and in the process often lose this as well. So I'm going to be content with this and just forget about that.
The very worst limericks are mine.
They come out wrong every time.
   Whenever I think
   That one might not stink
I end up with way too much stuff left over to say on the last line.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish, and he gets arrested for trespassing at the polluted river.
Squat down and don't squirm. If the square starts to squiggle, squeeze it. If it squirts, squash it.
Yes, now you can have it all! So if you don't, then you're a loser ...
Easter: The day our lord and savior rose from the dead as a giant pink bunny rabbit, so that everyone who finds at least three painted chicken eggs can go to heaven.
Usually when I'm enjoying myself more than usual, I'm not really aware of that fact until it's over, and then it's too late to enjoy it.
I think it's important to set realistic goals in life, and that's why I've decided I'm going to be the world's first giant astronaut pope. I've got my plan all worked out: First, I'll get really, really big. Then I'll apply for any astronaut positions that come along until I get one, and then I'll look into what you have to do to be the pope.
Observing myself as objectively as I can, I would have to say that my primary function in life is turning fresh food into shit.
Oil and gas pipelines are like drinking straws through which wealthy nations are sucking the wealth out of other nations where most people live in poverty. It's only natural for them to cut the straws.
There was something growing on my nose, so I went to my ear, nose, and banana doctor. I said, "Doc, there's somethin' growin' on my nose!" He said, "Never mind your nose -- what's that thing on your banana?" I said, "Looks like a wiggly-hoo." He said, "You're gonna have to speak up -- I've got a banana in my wiggly-hoo."
I think the reason I don't like adventure-type computer games is that they remind me too much of dating. "If you can discover the seven magic hoops and jump through them in the correct order, then you can win some affection. Mmmmmmmaybe ..."
The main difference between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts believe that introverts should be extroverts.
I like to wait until I've defecated before I take my morning shower, because then I get to begin my day with a squeaky clean anus.
A conservative is a liberal who hasn't been abused by the police yet.
I have read through the list of all non-existing things, and I wasn't on there. Therefore I am.
The most persecuted people today are surely dead people. Think about it: We lock them up underground - indefinitely - in boxes so small they barely have room to roll over. And then, to add insult to injury, we don't even include them in our statistics. We say there are 300 million "people" in the USA, but that number includes only the LIVING people! What about all the fine dead people who worked their entire lives to get where they are today? It's hard enough to be struggling with death without that kind of treatment. Dead people are people too!
I don't really care what my final words will be, as long as it's not "Oops".
Yet another sign that we are living in the end times: Isaiah prophesized mountaintop removal coal mining! "Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4, New International Version)
It is my fervent hope that the people who write most of the reader responses to news articles on the web are not representative of the human race. (I suspect either they have too much free time or they're being paid.)
Will Rogers said that too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like. This may sound a bit arrogant, but to me it's not worth spending time, money, or effort just to possibly momentarily impress some fickle human organisms.
Why is it that tasty is good but smelly is bad?
My rule of thumb on noise pollution: If a particular noise is associated with petroleum in some way, then it is officially allowed to be at least twice as loud as any other noise is allowed to be. (For example, if I played my music as loud as the lawn mower next door, I expect I would be hauled away promptly.)
If a robber robs, and a bobber bobs, then why is it that a slob slobbers?
In heaven there are no breasts
There's only essay tests
And when we've failed the tests
We'll sing a long long hymn that has no rests

People who gain private riches by patenting the global food supply will discover themselves in the deepest lake of fire.
Last week I perceived what seemed like a clear pattern, though making that judgement from only two examples of the pattern. Then yesterday I did it again. I must always do that. Wait, I think I've used that joke before. I'm just like my mother who re-recites her stories as if she's telling them for the first time. I guess everyone does that.
I'm reading a big book about inconsistencies in the English language. It's tough to plough through it, though. Cough.
I drink alcohol, but only on special occasions. For example, if I make it through another entire day without being eaten, well then it's time to celebrate!
Understatement can be somewhat more effective than exageration.
I believe that identical twins should be given the same name.

More About Ken

Ken is a dynamic figure whose hobbies include lava surfing, earthquake straddling, and asteroid lassoing.
Ken enjoys placing the ova and ovaries of plants deep inside his body.
Ken's favorite letter is B and his least favorite letter is T.
Ken's favorite color is purple and his least favorite color is magenta, even though they're both between red and blue.
Ken's berumpula curves to the left.
Ken cannot snap his fingers or blow bubbles.
Ken is a very reliable person, usually.
Ken likes to walk up to strangers and say "Can I eat your brain?"
Ken is an Aquarius, and so he doesn't believe in astrology.
Ken enjoys inventing new cuss words, such as "prang" and "shnurp".
Ken enjoys taking dead people to parties.

More Random Cruft from Ken